.SOMETIMES RAW.

You will LOVE having another kid! It’s the best. I mean look at that little face. Your son would have a sibling. Come on, you are not too old. You are what? Like 35? How could you say no to those chubby cheeks? Honestly, I don’t even know how you’ve waited this long. Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s just a small stovetop fire, but Chris can put it out. When you’re a mom of two these kind of things happen all the time and I’ve become a much more patient person because of it. God, where is Chris. CHRIS! Can you get down here and put out the fire, please?

Anyways as I was saying, kids are a freaking miracle. Are you going to freeze your eggs? You really should if you’re still waiting for the “right one” or whatever. You are also not getting younger. Oh will you look at that, the fire spread to the hand towel. CHRIS THOSE FLAMES AREN’T GOING TO PUT THEMSELVES OUT! Honestly, you can’t get him to do anything. But then if I do it it’s like, I’m doing everything, you know?

What were we talking about again? Oh, right. Babies! They make you so happy—especially two. We even think about having a third one. You might think you’re happy right now, but you’re not. I mean look at my baby, do you really want to miss out on all that joy? Also, really do think about your son. He would love a sibling. He is now 11, no? Perfect age gap. He can take the baby to the playground whenever he takes Minecraft gaming breaks on his computer. I bet your son would play a lot less on the computer and spend more time with his sibling or play outdoors to get fresh air. He would love to have a little brother or sister – one of the only two possible biological genders there are. I literally have no regrets, and I’ve never felt like I’ve had my life so figured out. Ugh, now the carpet’s burning. No, don’t worry. Our therapist said I need to wait for Chris to be his own solution. But then if I yell at him it’s like, I’m the bad guy. I mean, really. Come on.

I guess I just don’t understand why you’ve waited so long with a second one? Your biological clock is ticking away, you know. Every year you wait is a year you miss out on life’s biggest, most beautiful… one second. CHRIS! YOU’VE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOR OVER A FUCKING HOUR! GET DOWNHERE NOW! It’s like, is he really going to spend an hour in there just so he can get out of doing one thing?

Anyway, like I was saying, sure it’s tough sometimes but so is everything… that’s… [cough]… [cough] …worth it. Wow, it is smokey in here. CHRIS! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE AND… [cough] …[cough]

Ah, so much better outside in the fresh air, isn’t it? Little Harry loves the outdoors. I keep telling everyone that one day he’s going to be a famous mountain climber or one of those army drill sergeants. I guess he’s going to love it even more now that we’ll be sleeping in our backyard in a tent — just until Chris gets around to calling the fire department.

Now as I was saying, you need to decide what you want. Do you want stability and a beautiful family, or do you want to have your freedom back with only one child and then, when he moves out to study abroad, and you will pay for all this, be alone for eternity? Sure some might argue that marriage is an outdated institution, but honestly I couldn’t be more happy with my life and — oh would you look at that, Chris has been engulfed in flames. Well, at least he died doing what he loved most, which is doing nothing.

Now, let’s talk about when you’re going to get married again, because you really need to do that sooner than later, you know.

Power to understand men

Ability to fly (away sometimes)

Ability to make some people disappear

Ability to turn my faults invisible

Ability to understand why certain things are so fucking expensive (like a new toilet seat! Just the damn seat)

Ability to grow ten times my normal maturity

Sonic shield that prevents people from hearing me in the bathroom

Ability to detect when someone is lying (I am pretty good at this but there is room for improvement)

Self-duplication to create a version of me who genuinely cares about people complaining about work for an hour

Ability to give up control of Netflix remote control

Power to not feel awkward about eating licorice (how come nobody like this?)

Ability to convincingly lie about how much I enjoy going to work

Ability to silence (kill) people who snore

Ability to explain all these different genders to my son. Oh wait, there are only two.

Super-sensing when I’m supposed to be dominant

Underwater breathing ability

Rapid leg-muscle regeneration

Ability to communicate with pets

Echolocation to find things in the dark

Memory manipulation about Playstation-play-time for my son

Not-getting-dehydrated-ness

Ability to somehow look cool in a sleeping mask and earplugs

Ability to control the weather, since I seemingly already have this power, as it’s somehow my fault that it rained when my son and I wanted to go play basketball

Power to instantly be deaf when there are a lot of kids around

Rapid emotional healing and healing overall

Ability to see into alternate future and relax

Ability to read minds, since I seemingly already have this power

Superhuman capacity to deal with insanity at work

Power to say “I’m fine with it” and actually be fine with it

Ability to break through emotional barriers

Sonic scream + ability to explain that wasn’t sonic screaming, you’ll know when I’m sonic screaming

Superhuman hearing

Superhuman listening

Paranormal power of understanding all references, innuendo, and in-jokes someone makes

Paranormal power of sleeping through the night without waking up once

Power to transform tools in the tools aisle I got into those he actually asked me to get

Time compression so every second of someone not responding to my text doesn’t feel like an eternity

Ability to fast-forward space-time to a point where I can be legitimately angry someone didn’t text me back and can start sending passive-aggressive texts

Remote, chill view on life overall

Ability to not loose it over little stuff

Ability to rapidly turn off anger

Paranormal power to influence accidents to not happen

Ability to get along and understand my sister

Ability to travel backwards in time and not send that text I just sent

Ability to sound convincing when I tell him I want to understand his perspective on cheating on me

Ability to search for specific text messages faster

Time manipulation

Ability to beam myself to places

Power to induce superhuman empathy, no, not even superhuman, just human empathy, as some apparently barely even have sub-human empathy

Ability to control firmness of matrasses (they are not as hard as the salesperson promised me it would be)

Power to just let it go

Ability to travel backwards in arguments

Ability to have unlimited annual leave

Power to teleport myself out of a any bad relationship

As you may know, I have an 11 year-old son. Yikes! Preteen material! I think I am doing a great job raising him but sometimes I worry about losing the connection with my funny, vulnerable little boy as he gets older. But then, as time goes on with its incredibile speed I think that it will be just the way it is now, only he will be a sweet-hearted young man, and I will feel very short. Here, I will shares completely subjective rules for raising a pre-teenage boy…

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I hadn’t realized that raising a preteen boy would involve all the tenderness of a violin spilling out a persistent heartbreaking melody in the background — and also, of course, all the crash-banging of a drum set. But it’s both things all the time. The main rule, which you may already know, is to love this big kid fiercely and excessively.

1. Teach them to respect women. Not in the pretty-object-on-a-pedestal way of things and art; in the way of real, human equals with a right to their self-determination, intelligence and space on the subway.

2. Enjoy the same funny conversations you’ve always had, especially while walking in the woods or cuddling on the couch.

3. Love them for sleeping late. The only other option is to not love them for sleeping late, since sleeping late is itself a given. They’re creating more new human flesh every day, and it’s exhausting! (Remember pregnancy?) When they stagger out at 2 p.m. with their man-sized arms and legs and their sleep-creased baby faces, you can just say, “Did you have a good sleep, my love?” instead of “Good AFTERNOON,” as all of our own passive-aggressive parents did. And you might be treated to a languid smile, a comfortable stretch, and the simple pleasure of the words, “I did.”

4. Be kind to your child, even if it seems like he doesn’t notice or care. He does. Treat him to burgers, to barbecue, to a big smile, a cup of tea, the benefit of the doubt. When he lies down in your bed to be near you and the dog, you can go ahead and keep reading your book but it’s okay to brim with joy.

5. Prepare for cranky questions to emanate from the open fridge: “Is the salami all gone?” “Wasn’t there leftover steak?” Answer with your sunny good nature. “It is!” “You ate it!” Remind your son that he is welcome to restock the fridge.

6. Familiarize yourself with the expression “second dinner,” and buy lots of frozen entrees for hungry nighttime foragers.

7. Enjoy the beautiful, gentle, funny boy who says things like, “Same,” to make you laugh after you muse aloud that your period is killing you. 

8. Be trustworthy. Be respectful. If they turn to you with something bad or hard, the first message should be, “I’m so glad you told me.” The second message should be, “How can I help?”

9. Assuming you actually want your son to join you, whatever it is you’re doing, the answer to the question, “Is it okay if my friends come with us?” is always yes. Also, you will remember when he was too shy to invite people over.

10. Relatedly, keep around plenty of books and games to give the kids lots of inspiration and fun things to fill their time with.

11. Preserve your pre-teenager’s dignity. If products like acne wash or deodorant seem called for, these things can be unobtrusively purchased and encouragingly left out. Relatedly, the things you used to do with the bathroom door open? Shaving your leg with a foot in the sink, yanking up your tights? Go ahead and close the door.

12. For everybody’s sake, knock before entering. In fact, maybe even, like, bang a gong outside the door before you get near enough to knock.

13. Take a picture of the heap of gigantic shoes by your front door because one day they will not be there and you will want to tearfully reminisce.

14. Teach them the important life skills: How to send a thank-you note. How to listen and ask questions. How to walk into a kitchen and say, “Put me to work.” How to call their representatives about an important issue. How to clean a bathroom, do a load of laundry, scramble an egg. How to sit patiently on the sofa between their two grandparents with their two new iPhones, nodding slowly and saying, “Here, let me show you,” when the grandparents are convinced the Google has gone missing.

15. Substance-wise, consider moderation over prohibition. That said, if you make one rule, let it be this: “Don’t ever try meth, crack cocaine, or heroin. Ever, ever, ever.” Explain the way these drugs permanently mess up your dopamine receptors (if you need to learn about that first yourself, do).

16. Pick your battles. Personal style is a pretty low-stakes form of self-actualization; if the way they wear their hair or jeans (hello, bum crack!) is not your very favourite, complain about it to a friend.

17. Lying in bed at night, scanning around to check for various dangers and unhappinesses, you will mentally find your son safe in his bed, in his room, in your house. And you will remember to be so, so grateful. Because one day you will buy him a memory foam mattress topper and a set of twin XL sheets and, poof, he will leave behind a heartbreaking boy-shaped hole.

18. Wherever they go, physically or emotionally, understand that they’ll come back to you. And when they do, go ahead and fling your mama arms — your mama heart! — wide open. Wide, wide open.

19. Let them play their computer games once chores and homework is done. Stop constantly nagging about it.

19. Understand that the parameters are constantly changing. Some things should not be repeated under any circumstances. This list is not exhaustive:

Knowing something but explaining it for too long
Pointing out that it’s after 8 p.m.
Asking them to put on their pajamas
Asking if they brushed their teeth
Asking if they peed before bed
Making a joke
Singing
Using slang, yours
Using slang, theirs
Being loud while making a smoothie (for him)

To be clear, my beautiful preteen still asks for bedtime cuddles and makes jokes and wants big life reassurances and climbs into my lap and seeks approval and desperately wants to be loved and accepted, but god forbid I point out that it is 8 p.m.

Let them be in bad moods, but let them know you’re here to help. Their hormones are nuts, their skin and hair is the ugliest it will ever be, they can’t put together an outfit for shit, and they don’t know where they belong in the world. They are becoming independent and still strapped down as young children but feel like they are not kids. It’s hard for them. For my kid, sometimes, I just say, “It’s clear you had a hard day, let’s just make popcorn and watch a movie or talk. You choose”.

Finally! In case you ever worry that you are uncool to the world at large and not just your preteens, I’ll remind you that EVERY parent deals with this. It is not only you! So stop whining.

What would you add?

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